Big Dreamer

If you asked me today, what I wanted to do, I would say something along the lines of:

"I might become a psychologist... Or work in a book store. Or be a temp, or a cleric of some sort. Maybe I won't do anything, whatever."

Perhaps at that point you would give me a look of confusion, not really sure where I was going with that. Pretty indecisive, yeah? I might continue, saying:

"I kind of want to bag groceries and stock shelves too; I like doing that. Working a cash register and whatnot. That sounds nice..."

And at this point you would be completely perplexed. You may stare at me and ask me something along the lines of:

"Aren't you better than that? Why don't you want to do something more financially productive?"

Of course, now I have to give you the look. It may include one of equal confusion, or maybe I will laugh. Maybe, if I was in a mood, I would give you a look of derision. If you get this look, then this is the response you may receive:

"About six years ago. No, that's not right. Eight years ago. About eight years ago, I used to have all of these cute little dreams. When I was 13 I designed the perfect wedding dress for myself. I even chose the color, fabrics, and baubles. I thought about getting married someday. A couple of years later I designed a rough sketch of the house I would want to live in. I even started a floor plan! I thought about the materials and the location, a driveway, the whole nine.

I thought about going through to graduate school and coming out the best doctor EVER (because everyone is the best "insert profession here" ever.) I wanted my own set of twins, fraternal, male and female. And a cat, or two. And I would work on my novels on the weekends and my children would be brilliant, if not savants in some field or other. Their father would be a polyglot and teach them the world's languages to help them go far. And everything would be lovely, because I made it happen that way.

Two years later I moved to North Carolina, and I half held onto those dreams. And a couple of years ago, I stopped caring completely. And I stopped wishing. And I stopped wanting.

In part it was because I wanted to try to be real with myself, and to be honest. And all of those dreams suddenly because unachievable and implausible."

*And this is where I look at you again, because partway through that speech, I have turned away, or looked at my feet. And I say:*

"So now, I suppose, I have simpler dreams, desires, if you would. But, I guess to you it doesn't matter, does it? They're either too extreme, or not extreme enough."

I understand, many of you... (none of you really) reading this now are thinking:

"She is such a downer! Why did you give up! Quitter."

Let me make things clear. I did not give up on my dreams, not really. I still think about that dress, and that house, and that future, but I also think about these things:

• Schools look at your numbers first, and your personality and potential second.
• My numbers say I am worthless, and at this point, it means people won't even look at me and give me the chance to make something of myself.
• I screwed up, admittedly, and I have 10-months to redeem myself, only a little, if any. That leaves me with no promises.

And even thinking about those things, I have to remember that I am very much on my own because I am an "adult". Granted, no one in my family has any experience with this sort of thing before me, on any level. I am very much one of a kind. I have a lot of things going against me living in this world. I am a minority in every sense of the term which means I will have to work harder to get what I want. No feet in the door for me, no trust funds to fall back on, no good credit scores to promise hopeful loans, no dashing good looks to help me schmooze my way in. It will really be just my brains and my work ethic.

I dare you to tell me the things I mentioned up above matter not in the real world. I DARE you. Looks, money, history, social status -- all of these things are looked at; of course, they aren't looked at on the surface, but they do affect how people treat you, view you, and judge you. I'm a psychologist, so I know more than you do about the human cognition and how it affects how we humans subconsciously dehumanize one another. Get over it.

I am only human. And so are the people who will be giving me my paycheck. Of course, I've never had a job either, so... that's saying something.

~ Vampy