When You Were Young...

Some of us see it coming. Some of us saw it coming years ago. We relished in those papers in which we scribed where we would be five, ten years from then; and for some of us, after those five or ten years came to pass, we rejoiced in out successes or felt crushed by our failures.

What do the few of use who've been on the other side of the seesaw do then? When we're stuck at the bottom of the plank, gazing (or glaring) at our counterpart high up in the sky?

We aren't really jealous or angry. We can't be because we helped them get to that point. And we know that if we give them the impression of our propulsion they will gladly return the favor. We also know we are in part holding them up there, and could be dastardly enough to let them crashing down with quite the painful bump.

They'd never see it coming.

I never saw it coming, though. I was complicated five, ten years ago. I never saw my adult life. I thought about things I'd like to do -- if given the chance -- but I never saw myself doing those things. That could very well mean I have no sense of imagination (but if you've read my stories you'd know that wasn't true.) Frankly, I'm just not a visual thinker. Not really.

Nevertheless, I ended up growing up , or at least I succeeded in getting older. Sure, my breasts got bigger and my hair is a bit longer and my feet are a bit bigger and I managed to cap to the glorious height of 5-ft-3-in, but otherwise, I at least look almost hte same way I did five... ten years ago. I just have one of those faces.

Of course, that's not the only thing that's remained unchanged. At 21-years of age I still have no sense of direction. Yes, I will be graduating from college -- not that I'll have anything to show for it. I've even entertained the prospect of going on to graduate school. But am I really planning? As far as I'm concerned, my consideration of graduate school is partially because I can't really work in the field designated by my major without it, but moreso because I can't think of anything better to do than continuing being turned down for jobs because I have no work experience because I can't get a starter job... C'est la vie?

I'm sure you've missed rants like this, but they aren't rants. These are trains of thought penned for your enjoyment. I will say I've grown weary of the general optimism from my public (yes, it's entertaining, but decidedly tiresome as well), coupled with shortsighted encouragement/pep-talks/get-over-yourself attitude. Inspired from a comic I read about a month ago: "I don't want a solution; I want to complain."

Humans are so unlucky. As far as we know, we are the only thinking organisms on this planet. That means we are perhaps teh only things that can think in ways that allow us to appreciate life and living. Regrettably, this also means that we are the only things that can consider how mundane  and lackluster are lives were, are, and can be. And living too, for that matter.

I'm sure you weren't expecting a happy note by now.

So, here I am. At 21 I'm expected to be excited or thrilled about life and what it has in store for me:

Expected Kathia

In reality, I could care less (does that make me careless?).

Actual Kathia

I'm simply going through the motions of organic function. Nothing is terrible, but I'm not jumping for joy, either. Everything is "fine". Things are "pleasant", and "I can't complain".

Like, whatever :-/

~Kat